Please note that this is not a pity party or a need for attention. This is something that has been happening for over 2.5 years. I can no longer keep it to myself.
I know there are many people out there who suffer from ppd, I just haven't met them yet.
I have never considered myself a depressed person. I have always been extremly social and always willing and up for anything. Most of my friends in college described me as one of the happiest girls they knew.
After having a baby, something went wrong with myself. Nothing was the same again.
Part of the reason I don't like to talk about Postpartum depression is because of guilt. I longed for a baby for so long, and when I do talk openly about it, I am afraid I'm setting myself up for judgement. It's almost like people are telling me to appreciate this tiny miracle and count my blessings.
And that is exactly what I do. However, no matter how hard I try to be how I need to be, the ppd just takes over. It's hard to explain.
When I told my mother what I was feeling 18 months after Sunny was born, she told me to stop complaining and stop talking about it.
I have never mentioned it again. It really is hard for people to understand I guess.
I decided to do some research and found a huge support group online. So many other women going through it. Some only have it the normal length of time after a baby is born, the first month or so. Less have it as long as me, over 2.5 years later.
When I found out I was finally pregnant after 3 years, I was ecstatic. My whole pregnancy I was on cloud nine. I was myself, the person I always was before. Happy, excitable, friendly, outgoing, social, etc.
I knew something was wrong after Sunny was born. I did not feel the normal excitement a mother is supposed to feel. I blamed that on the drugs.
As time went on, the baby blues were not going away. I started feeling ashamed and told nobody.
After my hair started falling out aggressively, and the nursing was not ending, I began isolating myself even more. From all people. I did not want to be around anyone for a long time because nobody understood.
After moving to St. George, I felt the sunshine might help, but it didn't. No matter how many happy things that happened in our life, nothing could boost myself up. Nothing!
My ppd is still around, 2.5 years later.
The worst thoughts that go through my head is telling myself that I don't want to be a mother anymore. That Sunny deserves someone better. Those thoughts hurt so bad, but with postpartum depression, your thoughts are sometimes out of control.
With all the excerise I do, yoga, daily walking, and eating well, even doing the paleo diet from time to time, the postpartum depression is still there. The doctor told me that sometimes those hormones just never never get back to normal, as in my case.
So, if anyone out there knows me and wonders what my deal is, especially many of my family members, living in same town as me, just please have some understanding. It is not you. It is 100% me. I wish that I could just make it go away, but with prayers and serving and living the gospel as I should, I know the Lord can make anything possible.
If you suffer from postpartum depression, there are online support groups out there, Lots of books, or even counseling. OR, if you know me personally, we can talk in person.
I hope in due time I can learn to talk more openly about it and not be ashamed.
I feel this needed to be published because I don't want to walk around and pretend anymore. Babies are wonderful blessings, and I am so honored to me a mother. I just want to be able to enjoy motherhood, as I should.
