What I Considered Hard Is Now Nothing

What a day!  Home from the ER now. Look at this toe.

Today started out a nice Sunday. Except Sunny has a little sinus congestion so I had her stay home. I got ready for church and asked Rodney if it was okay that I did Sacrament and he do Priesthood. He said it would be great so I headed out and planned to return home in an hour or so. When one of our kids is sick, we split things up that way so we both have the opportunity to attend church.

After Sacrament meeting, I headed home. Rodney had a headache and had a huge homework assignment to finish so he said he wouldn't make it. I told him I would take Adelaide with me so Sunny could watch a show quietly while she rested and Rodney finish his class.

Rodney, btw, is set to graduate this year so he is really working hard to accelerate and get done so he can start his MBA next year. That means I have been taking the kids out of the house more so he can get his study sessions done in peace without distractions from Sunny or the baby. *Yesterday was stressful taking both kids to Target for the first time together,  and spending more time then I would like nursing Addie in the men's handicap dressing room. Gotta nurse in privacy and go to what's available.*

Anyway, I took addie so rod could study. She was not dressed for church, and I quickly changed into a nursing outfit.

At church, addie was not acting herself. She is c olicy when it comes to always wanting to be held, but this was different. She wouldn't nurse or calm down. I thought she was just having tummy problems.

Went to choir practice after church to give Rodney more time to study. Addie was still crying. Called Rodney to check in and he said Sunny was demanding his attention, so I picked Sunny up and told Rodney he could study for a few more hours while we went to my mom's for dinner. Addie got worse. I took her nightgown off but never looked at her toes. We went home about 6 pm and about 6:30, she was on my lap crying when I finally noticed her toe.

I gasped and called to Rodney for help. He grabbed his flashlight and tried to figure out what was wrapped around her toe so tight. I thought she was maybe bit by a poisonous spider. Addie was hysterical,  crying harder and louder. I figured taking her to instances would be a long wait so I called 911. They came immediately and advised us to take her to instacare.  We did that and they asked us to take her to ER.

After 4 hours of waiting, the doc finally looked at it and thought it was fine hair wrapped around her toe very tightly. He grabbed his scalpel and dug into her skin. I watched blood pour out and couldn't watch. My baby was screaming,  clenching her fists in pain. We aren't 100% sure he got the hair or if hair is even the culprit,  so she will go back tomorrow if no improvement.

I feel so bad as a mother. I feel I have been so wrapped up in daily tasks that I failed in someway.  Tonight I gained a new perspective on motherhood and life in general.


It's true I have focused on so much of the negative in my life. Complaint after complaint about this and that. None of it matters. Tonight I felt a fear that was not familiar to me, not since Sunny was an infant. Watching my helpless baby go through pain. Real Pain, and feeling helpless with her.

The fear I felt tonight made me realize that all else that's a challenge in my mothering duties is all very minor.

I realized I needed to start focusing on the positive and ditching the negative, even if venting to friends or family does somehow take a load off me, nobody needs to hear negativity.

With an antibiotic gently inserted into her mouth, I watched Adelaide suck and swallow it down, and then she fell asleep.

I hold her in my arms and kiss her softly,  thinking about how much I love her,  how much I love Sunny and Rodney.

The monotonous day to day tasks of motherhood and raising my babies will never be taken for granted again. Life is too short, feels sometimes too long, but this is my life and I am learning to enjoy the ride.