Post Partum Depression- It Is A Real Thing

This is a post I wrote on Sunday, but decided to not publish. Today, two days later, I decided that I really needed to publish it and talk openly about it. I don't talk about this to anyone. The very few people I have talked about it, have really no understanding of what it's like.

Please note that this is not a pity party or a need for attention. This is something that has been happening  for over 2.5 years. I can no longer keep it to myself.

I know there are many people out there who suffer from ppd, I just haven't met them yet.

I have never considered myself a depressed person.  I have always been extremly social and always willing and up for anything. Most of my friends in college described me as one of the happiest girls they knew.

After having a baby, something went wrong with myself. Nothing was the same again.

Part of the reason I don't like to talk about Postpartum depression is because of  guilt. I longed for a baby for so long, and when I do talk openly about it, I am afraid I'm setting myself up for judgement. It's almost like people are telling me to appreciate this tiny miracle and count my blessings.

And that is exactly what I do. However, no matter how hard I try to be how I need to be, the ppd just takes over. It's hard to explain.

When I told my mother what I was feeling 18 months after Sunny was born, she told me to stop complaining and stop talking about it.

I have never mentioned it again. It really is hard for people to understand I guess.

I decided to do some research and found a huge support group online. So many other women going through it.  Some only have it the normal length of time after a baby is born, the first month or so. Less have it as long as me, over 2.5 years later.

When I found out I was finally pregnant after 3 years, I was ecstatic. My whole pregnancy I was on cloud nine. I was myself, the person I always was before. Happy, excitable, friendly, outgoing, social, etc.

I knew something was wrong after Sunny was born.  I did not feel the normal excitement a mother is supposed to feel. I blamed that on the drugs.

However, months later, the sadness was not going away. I was nursing, Sunny was crying a lot due to skin ulcers she had. Rodney was working 14 hour shifts and never home.  I got through it.

As time went on, the baby blues were not going away.  I started feeling ashamed and told nobody.

After my hair started falling out aggressively, and the nursing was not ending, I began isolating myself even more. From all people. I did not want to be around anyone for a long time because nobody understood.

After moving to St. George, I felt the sunshine might help, but it didn't.  No matter how many happy things that happened in our life, nothing could boost myself up. Nothing!
 My ppd is still around, 2.5 years later.

The worst thoughts that go through my head is telling myself that I don't want to be a mother anymore. That Sunny deserves someone better. Those thoughts hurt so bad, but with postpartum depression, your thoughts are sometimes out of control.

With all the excerise I do, yoga, daily walking, and eating well, even doing the paleo diet from time to time, the postpartum depression is still there.  The doctor told me that sometimes those hormones just never never get back to normal, as in my case.

So, if anyone out there knows me and wonders what my deal is, especially many of my family members, living in same town as me, just please have some understanding. It is not you. It is 100% me. I wish that I could just make it go away, but with prayers and serving and living the gospel as I should, I know the Lord can make anything possible.

If you suffer from postpartum depression, there are online support groups out there, Lots of books, or even counseling. OR, if you know me personally, we can talk in person.

I hope in due time I can learn to talk more openly about it and not be ashamed.

I feel this needed to be published because I don't want to walk around and pretend anymore. Babies are wonderful blessings, and I am so honored to me a mother. I just want to be able to enjoy motherhood, as I should.

I hope Sunny knows how much I love her. She really is my miracle!

Week Re-cap and The BEST Greek Tacos

Growing up, I remember my mom made tuna noodle casserole a lot.  I remember the aroma coming from the oven and watching through the oven door the cheese bubbling on top. Sometimes I would sneak a huge sample with my fork and then cover the casserole back up.  Patience was not my strong point.

For two days, I have been craving this casserole. I haven't had it in a long time, and I am not sure what reminded me of it. There is no recipe I really follow.

So, as I write our weekly re-cap, Rodney is working on our taxes, Sunny is hanging on me, and I got a pot of noodles boiling.
 I am going to devoure this comfort food. I think I will top it with these yummy super grain aged parmesan croutons I picked up.

So, this week has been rather mellow. Nothing too exciting.  I have been noticing Sunny having flare ups in her her cheeks more then usual this week. Her cheeks get bright red. She may have this condition called, Rosacea. I'm not sure.  I noticed her cheeks started flaring up when she was about 6 months old. I shrugged it off to teething or She went into remission from it for awhile, and now it's back.  She also has small red clusters on her back which I assume is ezcema. It is off and on with her.

I do not want to be that paranoid mom, because I can be, but I am keeping an extra watch on her, just in case.

Sunny is funny in what she can handle and what she can't. For instance, she can eat sharp cheddar cheese, feta or parmesan cheese, yogurt, and other aged cultured dairy. She can't have mozerilla cheese or milk. She drinks almond milk.
  I was convinced she had an intolerance to all dairy, not it seems only some dairy.

As for wheat (gluten) products.  This is a tricky one. The kid lives off fish sticks most days for her main protein source, and they are coated with wheat flour. She handles them just fine. But then other days, I will give her a slice of wheat toast and she flares up in her cheeks.  Quite confusing.

You know what, I have the exact same thing going on with myself. I can handle eating wheat  and some dairy, and and other times I can't.  It seems the more I eat, the more I can handle. Interesting.

I am going to give it a week and see if this helps.  She does have allergies, and this time of year she gets them worse. Any kind of perfume, pollen, dust, fragrances, all seem to trigger a runny nose and itchy eyes. Her last doctor recommended an over the counter allergy medicine, however, this makes her drowsy and irritable,

So, I will wait it out and see if I need to schedule an appointment for her.  My method is always do what I can at home first (I do tons of reading and research) and if all fails, the doctor it is.

So, that is about what is happening around her. Nothing too exciting this week.

I wanted to share these Huge Greek Tacos from melskitchencafe.com. I have made these tacos about 15 times and I still can't get enough. Greek food is so healthy and fresh.  Nothing greasy.

At Costco, they carry Greek Pita Flatbread. It is high in fiber and all natural. Sometimes I get naan bread and will put in oven for about 3 minutes to slightly warm it.

I also get plain Greek yogurt for my tzatziki sauce. This is the same yogurt I make for Sunny, only I add a bit of raspberry jam to it to sweeten it up. It's lower in sugar this way.

Note: you can use grilled chicken as well. I have tried both.

My Favorite Greek Tacos

INGREDIENTS

Cucumber Tomato Salsa:
• 1 tablespoon extra-virgin olive oil
• 1 tablespoon red wine vinegar
• 2 firm large tomatoes, seeded and diced
• 1 English cucumber, seeded and diced
• 1/2 cup diced red onion
• Salt and black pepper to taste
Feta Mint Tzatziki:
• 1 English cucumber
• 1 cup plain Greek yogurt
• 3/4 cup crumbled feta cheese
• 1 clove garlic, finely minced
• 1-2 tablespoons minced fresh mint
• Salt and black pepper to taste
Lamb or Turkey:
• 2 pounds ground lamb or turkey meat
• 1 1/2 teaspoons salt
• 1 teaspoon pepper
• 1/2 cup minced red onion
• 4 cloves garlic, minced
• 2 teaspoons dried oregano
• 3 tablespoons tomato paste
• 1/4 cup broth (chicken, vegetable or beef)
For the pitas:
• 6-8 non-pocket pita or soft wrap breads 

DIRECTIONS

1. At least one hour or as early as one day before you are serving, prepare the salsa and tzatziki. For the cucumber salsa, toss the olive oil, vinegar, tomatoes, cucumbers and onions in a bowl and season with salt and black pepper as needed. Cover and refrigerate for one hour or up to 24 hours to marry the flavors.
2. For the tzatziki, peel the cucumber and shred on the large holes of a box grater. Place the shredded cucumber in a clean kitchen towel and wring out the excess water until the cucumber is very dry. In a medium bowl, stir together the strained cucumber, yogurt, feta, garlic and mint. Again, season with salt and pepper to taste. The tzatziki can be refrigerated up to 24 hours. Give it a good stir before serving.
3. For the meat, heat a large, 12-inch nonstick skillet over medium heat. Cook the ground lamb or turkey with the salt, pepper, onion and garlic, breaking up the meat into small pieces and cooking until the meat is cooked through, 8-10 minutes.
4. Drain any excess grease. Stir in the oregano and tomato paste and cook over medium heat for 3-4 minutes, stirring often. Stir in the broth and let the mixture simmer for 5-10 minutes. Season with additional salt and pepper to taste.
5. Warm the pita breads in a cast iron skillet or in the microwave until soft and heated through. Serve the tacos by spooning meat into the center of a pita bread and topping with cucumber salsa and tzatziki.

Source: Melskitchencafe.com