This is more of a continuation of last post I wrote but didn't have time to finish. This post is hard to write because it is not in the slightest bit positive. It is the truth and I am at a loss of how to make things right at this point in the game.
When it was just us 3, I felt I had more control over Sunny's behavior. This time around, my energy is lingering, I am in constant mama bear protective mode, and I am dealing with a very defiant child at her worse. I do not know if things will get better. I have yet to talk to anyone who has gone through what I am.
Today in particular was really tough. Since Olivia's birth, I have put so much of my attention on her. I don't mind one bit. The sleepless nights are all worth it. I love this little baby so much I can't even express it.
However, Sunny's behavior has gotten worse since her arrival and today was quite the breaking point for me. Last night, I got about 2 hours of sleep. Olivia has had some acid reflux and was gassy most of the night. She has been such a great sleeper most of the day, but evenings she can get a bit fussy and has started to spit up more and more.
This morning, Sunny was doing all sorts of things to annoy me. While I was in the kitchen washing bottles I noticed it was very quiet. I have felt very nervous about leaving Sunny with Olivia for even the slightest of second so I quickly ran into the living room only to find Olivia missing. I panicked and then saw a huge pile of pillows and blankets and Olivia was on the bottom, suffocating. Sunny had decided to build a fort and use her as the base.
I was so frustrated and mortified as Olivia lay there motionless and quite in shock. I picked her up quickly and thank goodness I had gotten to her in time. I sent Sunny to her room. I know Sunny knows nothing about suffocation and trying to explain it to her would probably do no good.
This is one example of me or Rodney constantly disciplining Sunny All. Day. Long. She has become so rebellious often picking the baby up, poking her eyes or rubbing her head a bit too hard.
I know that Sunny is responding in a negative way, but I don't know how to correct her behavior as she is increasingly refusing to obey any of us, she is starting to refuse to please us and I think she is beginning to just hate us in general.
About a week ago she actually said the words I never thought I would hear, but she said said it, "I hate you mommy." That nearly broke me and I still have no idea where she picked up that word "hate." Preschool??
What saddens me most is my relationship with Sunny is not great right now. It's actually quite negative. I am making effort to take her out one on one but even that has turned into me having to discipline her.
I know there are worse problems out there. This blog is my own little journal and I know I will appreciate this in years to come.
I hope and pray this is just a phase.
I forgot what it was like to get up so often in the night with a newborn, how much water I would need to drink while nursing and how much more laundry detergent I would go through.
I wouldn't want it any other way. I'm tired, yes, but I am so happy with where I am in life.
Sunny has been the hardest. I have felt guilt for not validating her feelings enough. last week I decided I missed just hanging out with her like past times.