Pray For Faith Not Fear, Strength Can Replace Weakness.

Today at church I saw a beautiful newborn baby girl that was just born a week ago.  I sat in the lounge talking with her mother as she sat and nursed her baby. I haven't been around a newborn for a long time. They are cute, cuddly and smell so good.

She let out a loud cry as she had her diaper changed. Her mother reminded me about how much newborns have to be changed and how much they eat and sometimes, depending on the baby, how much they cry. I held her for a brief moment as she cried.  Part of me just wanted to hand her back to her mom. As sweet as she was, I just felt overwhelmed of what is to come.

I begin to feel a sense of fear. When I got home, I told Rodney that being around a newborn today brought some feelings back. I began to doubt my abilities. I shared with him how my days with Sunny as a newborn, although a huge blur at times, suddenly came back to me. I remembered all of it.  The non-stop months and months of crying from Sunny's colic, and my extreme depressive state from lack of sleep, lack of "me" time and overall nursing fatigue left me defeated.

I know some babies are much easier then others. I have babysat some of the most mild mellow babies anyone has ever seen, having me dream of having 10 of them.

 Crying and loud noises make me very uncomfortable and the thought of going through it again with this baby has made me feel less at ease about the "unknown." There are days I can barely handle Sunny. Let's face it.  In a previous post, I mentioned how over-stimulated my mind is due to new advances in her non-stop speaking skills, in addition to her never sleeping, waking up, and being extremely hard to discipline at times. The kid is just a handful sometimes, but she is my whole life. I love her to the moon and back.

I know there is a time and season for everything.  Someday, the kids will be in school and my heart will hurt for them, wanting them with me. Every time I complain about dumb little things, I want to slap myself and remind myself to stop sweating the small stuff. JUST BE THANKFUL and strive to improve the next day. Everyday is fresh, a new start.

Affirmations to myself can help. I can do this. I have learned not to judge others. Everyone is fighting their own battle and there are pieces of other's life we have no idea even exist. If more people opened up about their struggles,fears, trials,  a larger support system offering healing and self-awareness could take place amongst so many people out there.

Rodney offered a peice of advice that soothed my inner soul today and really lessened some of my fears of that unknown. He said to pray. Just pray. The Lord can help me through any trial and he can help me become stronger then I realize.